HOW RUEBEN ABATI EXHIBITED HIS INTELLEVTUAL PUMPOSITY AND SOCIAL IGNORANCE!!!

A Nation’s Identity Crisis by Reuben Abati | Response by Banky W
Posted on Wednesday, June 24th, 2009 at 5:31 pm
By Bella
This is created huge buzz and inspiring heated debates both online and offline! Both are a long read but well worth it! What do you think?
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A Nation’s Identity Crisis by Reuben Abati
You may not have noticed it: Nigeria is suffering from an identity crisis imposed on it in part by an emergent generation of irreverent and creative young Nigerians who are revising old norms and patterns. And for me nothing demonstrates this more frontally than the gradual change of the name of the country. When Flora Shaw, Lord Lugard’s consort came up with the name, Nigeria in 1914, she meant to define the new country by the strategic importance of the Niger River. And indeed, River Niger used to be as important to this country as the Nile was/is to Egypt. We grew up as school children imagining stories about how Lugard in one special romantic moment, asked his mistress to have the honour of naming a new country in Africa. Something like: “Hello, sweetheart, what name would you rather give the new country that I am creating?”
“Let me give it a thought? ….Awright, how about Ni-ge-ria darling?”
“That would do. That would do. How thoughtful, my fair lady? You are forever so dependable”
And the name stuck and it has become our history and identity. But these days, the name Nigeria is gradually being replaced by so many variants, that I am afraid a new set of Nigerians may in the immediate future not even know the correct spelling of the name of their country. For these Nigerians whose lives revolve mostly around the internet and the blogosphere, the name Nigeria has been thrown out of the window. Our dear country is now “naija” or “nija”. What happened to the “-eria” that Ms Shaw must have thoughtfully included? The new referents for Nigeria are now creeping into writings, conversations, and internet discourse. I am beaten flat by the increasing re-writing of the country’s name not only as naija or nija, but consider this: “9ja”. Or this other name for Nigeria: “gidi”. There is even a television programme that is titled “Nigerzie”. In addiiton, Etisalat, a telecom company has since adopted a marketing platform that is titled: “0809ja.” Such mainstreaming of these new labels is alarming.
This obviously is the age of abbreviations. The emerging young generation lacks the discipline or the patience to write complete sentences or think through a subject to its logical end. It is a generation in a hurry, it feels the constraints of space so much, it has to reduce everything to manageable, cryptic forms. This is what the e-mail and text message culture has done to the popular consciousness. Older generations of Nigerians brought up on a culture of correctness and compeleteness may never get used to the re-writing of Nigeria as “9ja”. Language is mutatory, but referring to the motherland or the fatherland in slang terms may point to a certain meaninglessness or alienation. What’s in a name? In Africa, names are utilitarian constructs not merely labels. Even among the Ijaw where people bear such unique names as University, Conference, FEDECO, Manager, Heineken, Education, Polo, Boyloaf, Bread, College, Summit, Aeroplane, Bicycle, Internet - there is a much deeper sense to the names. But the name Nigeria means nothing to many young Nigerians. They have no reason to respect the sanctity of the name. They don’t know Flora Shaw or Lord Lugard, and even if they do, they are likely to say as Ogaga Ifowodo does in an unforgettable poem: “God Punish you, Lord Lugard.” Eedris Abdulakarim summarises the concern of young Nigerians in one of his songs when he declared: “Nigeria jagajaga, everything scata, scata”
The post-modernist, deconstructive temper of emergent youth culture is even more manifest in the cynical stripping to the bones character of today’s Nigerian hip-hop. It is marked by a Grunge character that shouts: non-meaning and alienation. On my way to Rutam House the other day, I listened at mid-day to a continuous stream of old musical numbers from 93.7 Radio FM. Soulful, meaningful tunes of Felix Lebarty, Chris Okotie (as he then was), Mandy Ojugbana, Christy Essien-Igbokwe, Onyeka Onwenu, Sony Okosun, Alex O, Ras Kimono, Majek Fashek, Evi Edna-Ogoli, Bongos Ikwue, Veno Marioghae, Uche Ibeto, Dora Ifudu, Mike Okri, Dizzy K. Falola, and Tina Onwudiwe. Onyeka Onwenu sang; “One love, keep us together”. Veno Marioghae sang: “Nigeria Go Survive”. Even in the romantic offerings like Chris Okotie’s “I need someone, give me your love”, or Felix Lebarty’s “Ifeoma, Ifeoma, I want to marry you, give me your love” and Stella Monye’s “Oko mi ye, duro ti mi o”, or Tina Onwudiwe’s award-winning “Asiko lo laye”. there was so much meaning and polish.
This was in the 80s. That generation which sang music under its real names, not abbreviations or slangs, was continuing, after the fashion of T.S. Eliot’s description of “Tradition and the Individual Talent”, a pattern of meaning that dates back to traditional African musicians and all the musicians that succeeded them: S. B. Bakare, Victor Olaiya, Fela Anikulapo-Kuti, Sunny Ade, Ebenezer Obey, Dan Maraya of Jos, Osita Osadebey, Ayinla Omowura, Victor Uwaifo, Geraldo Pino, Rex Lawson, I. K. Dairo, Haruna Ishola, Yusuf Olatunji, Inyang Henshaw, Tunji Oyelana, Bobby Benson, Tunde Nightingale, and even the later ones: Shina Peters, Dele Abiodun, Y.K. Ajao, Ayinde Barrister, Kollington Ayinla, Batile Alake, Sir Warrior, Moroccco Nwa Maduko, Orlando Owoh, Salawa Abeni, KWAM I (Arabambi 1 and please include his disciples- Wasiu Alabi Pasuma et al), Oliver de Coque (Importer and Exporter…), Ayefele, Atorise …. But there has been a terrible crisis in the construction of music. The children, grandchildren and great grandchildren of these ancestors have changed the face and identity of Nigerian music. As a rule, gospel musicians, given the nature of their form, sing meaningful lyrics, but the airwaves these days have been taken over by the children of “gidi”,”naija”, “nija”, “nigerzie” and “9ja”. I listen to them too, but everyday, I struggle to make meaning out of their lyrics.
Music is about sense, sound, shape and skills. But there is an on-going deficit in all other aspects except sound. So much sound is being produced in Nigeria, but there is very little sense, shape and skills. They call it hip-hop. They try to imitate Western hip pop stars. They even dress like them. The boys don’t wear trousers on their waists: the new thing is called “sagging”, somewhere below the waist it looks as if the trouser is about to fall off. The women are struggling to expose strategic flesh as Janet Jackson once did. The boys and the girls are cloaked in outlandish jewellery and their prime heroes are Ja-Rule, Lil’Wayne, Fat Joe, P. Diddy, 50 Cents, Ronz Brown, Chris Brown, Sean Kingston, Nas, Juelz Santana, Akon, Young Jeezy, Mike Jones, T-Pain, F.L.O-RIDA, Will.I.am, Beyonce, Rihanna, Ciara, Keri Hilson, Jay-Z, Ace hood, Rick Ross, Birdman, Busta Rhymes, Cassidy, Chamillionaire, Soulja Boy, Young Joc, Kanye West, R. Kelly, Kevin Rudolph, T.I.P-king of the South, Ludacris, Plies-The real goon, The Game, Young Rox, Flow killa, Osmosis (2 sick), Flow-ssik, Raprince, Bionic, Fabulous, Jadakiss, Nas, Swiss Beatz, Dj Khaled, Maze, Yung Buck, Maino, MoBB Deep, Lloyd Banks, Olivia, Lady Gaga… Well, God Almighty, we are in your hands.
And so the most impactful musicians in Nigeria today, the ones who rule the party include the following: D’Banj, MI, Mode Nine, Sauce kid, Naeto C, Sasha, Ikechukwu, 9ice, Bouqui, Mo’cheddah, Teeto, P-square, Don-jazzy, Wande Coal, 2-face, Faze, Black Face, Dr. Sid, D’prince, K-Switch, Timaya, Dj-Zeez, Dj Neptune, Banky w., Big bamo, Art quake, Bigiano, Durella, Eldee, Kelly Hansome, Lord of Ajasa, M.P., Terry tha rapman, Weird MC, Y.Q., Da grin, kel, Roof-top Mcs, Pype, Niga Raw, Ghetto p., Kaka, Kaha, Terry G, Ill Bliss, Zulezoo, Pipe, Dj Jimmy jatt, X-project, Konga, Gino, Morachi… Well, the Lord is God. These are Nigerian children who were given proper names by their parents. Ikechukwu bears his real name. But who are these other ones who have since abandoned their proper names? For example, 9ice’s real name is Abolore Akande, (what a fine name!), Tu face (Innocent Idibia), Sauce Kid (Babalola Falemi), D’Banj (Dapo Oyebanjo), Banky w. (Bankole Willington), P-Square (Peter and Paul), MI (Jude Abaga), Timaya (Enetimi Alfred Odom), Sasha (Yetunde Alabi), Weird MC (Adesola Idowu). But why such strange names? They don’t sing. They rap. Most of them don’t play instruments, they use synthetic piano.
At public functions, they mime. They are not artists, they perform. They are not necessarily composers, they dance. The more terrible ones can’t even sing a correct musical note. They talk. And they are all businessmen and women. They are more interested in commerce and self-advertisement, name recognition, brand extension and memory recall! They want a name that sells, not some culturally conditioned name that is tied down to culture and geography. But the strange thing is that they are so successful. Nollywood has projected Nigeria, the next big revelations are in hip hop.
Despite the identity crisis and the moral turpitude that we find in Nigeria’s contemporary hip-hop, the truth is that it is a brand of music that sells. Nigeria’s hip hop is bringing the country so much international recognition. All those strange names are household names across the African continent, so real is this that the phrase “collabo” is now part of the vocabulary of the new art. It speaks to an extension of frontiers. In Nigeria, it is now possible to hold a party without playing a single foreign musical track, the great grand children of Nigerian music are belting out purely danceable sounds which excites the young at heart. But the output belongs majorly to the age of meaningless and prurience. The lyrics says it all.
Rooftop MC sings for example: “Ori mi wu o, e lagi mo”. This is a very popular song. But all it says is: “my head is swollen, please hit it with a log of wood.” X-Project sings: “Lori le o di gonbe (2x), e so fun sisi ologe ko ya faya gbe, ko ya faya gbe, file, gbabe, se be, bobo o ti e le, wo bo nse fe sa hale hale niwaju omoge, ha, lori le odi gonbe, …..sisi ologe ki lo di saya o, so fun mi ki lofe, o wa on fire o….” Now, what does this mean in real terms? But let’s go to Naeto C: “kini big deal, kini big deal, sebi sebi we’re on fire”, or D’Banj: ” my sweet potato, I wanna make you wife, I wanna make you my wife o, see I no understand o, cause I dey see well well, but dey say love is blind, see I never thought I will find someone like you that will capture my heart and there will be nothing I can do….”. Yes, we are in the age of sweet potato. And so Art quake sings: “E be like fire dey burn my body, e je ki n fera, oru lo n mu mi. Open your hand like say you wan fly away. Ju pa, ju se, ka jo ma sere, alanta, alanta.”
And here is Zulezoo, another popular Nigerian musical team: “Daddy o, daddy, daddy wen you go for journey, somebody enter for mummy’s house, person sit down for mummy bed, person push mummy, mummy push person, mummy fall for bed yakata, daddy, o daddy, the man jus dey do kerewa kerewa…kerewa ke” And Dj-Zeez: “ori e o 4 ka sibe, ori e o 4 ka sibe, 4 ka sibe, 4 ka sibe”. And MI: “Anoti, anoti, anoti ti, anoti titi.” And Konga: “Baby konga so konga, di konga, ileke konga, ju pa pa, ju pa, konga, ju pa pa, ju pa, sibe”.. And 9ice: “gongo a so, kutupu a wu, eni a de ee, aji se bi oyo laari; oyo o se bi baba enikan, kan, i be double now, aye n lo, a mi to o, gongo a so, oti so o, e wo le e wo enu oko…” Or Tony Tetuila: “U don hit my car, oyinbo repete, u don hit my car o”. Or Weird MC: “Sola lo ni jo, lyrics lori gangan, awa lo ni jo”. Sheer drivel. So much sound, little sense. Is this the future? Maybe not.
Most of the music being produced now will not be listenable in another five years and this perhaps is the certain fate of commercial art that is driven by branding, show and cash. But we should be grateful all the same for the music, coming out of Nigeria also at this time in the soul, gospel, hip, hop genre: the music that is of Femi Anikulapo-Kuti, Lagbaja, Asa (there is fire on the mountain/and no one seems to be on the run/ there is fire on the mountain now…”), Ara, Sam Okposo, Dare, Sunny Neji, Infinity (now a broken up team), African China, Alariwo of Afrika…. We suffer nonetheless in music as in the national nomenclature, an identity crisis. A country’s character is indexed into its arts and culture, eternal purveyors of tones and modes. Nigerian youths now sing of broken heads, raw sex, uselessness and raw, aspirational emotionalism. A sign of the times? Yes, I guess.
I find further justification in the national anthem, many versions of which now exist. I grew up in this same country knowing only one way of singing the national anthem: from “Nigeria we hail thee” to “Arise o Compatriots”. The singing of the national anthem is supposed to be a solemn moment. Arms clasped by the side, a straight posture, and the mind strictly focussed on the ideals of patriotism and nationalism. Stillness. Nobody moves. And the national song is rendered in an unchanging format. But not so any longer. There are so many versions of the Nigerian national anthem these days. Same lyrics but different musical rhythms. I have heard the national anthem sung in juju, in fuji, in hip hop, in Ishan’s igbagbolemini, in acapella mode, even reggae. I attended an ocassion once, the rendition of the national music was so enthralling, people started dancing. Even the photographers and cameramen danced with their cameras. For me that was the ultimate expression of the people’s cynicism. The prevalent mood is as expressed by Dj-Zeez: “ori e 4 ka sibe, 4 ka sibe”: an epigrammatic, onomatopoeic, market-driven diminution of language as vehicle and sign. What kind of people are we? A dancing nation? Dancing and writing away our frustrations and caring little about sense, in this country that is now known as “naija”, “nija”, “9ja”, “nigerzie,” “gidi”?
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Response to Mr Reuben Abati’s article in the Guardian Newspapers entitled “A Nation’s Identity Crisis” by Banky W
Dear Sir,
In the immortal words attributed to P.T. Barnum, “I don’t care what the newspapers say about me, at least spell my name right.” My name IS Banky W, full name being Olubankole Wellington. Not Willington, as you stated in your article entitled “A Nation’s Identity Crisis”. I read the piece repeatedly, and found that misspelling my name wasn’t the only error. At it’s worst, the article seemed like an attempt to discredit and slander an entire generation of artistes and consumers, and at best it came across as having some valid points but being grossly misinformed, prejudiced, and hypocritical; definitely not what we would expect of a highly regarded publication as The Guardian, or from a person in Mr Abati’s position.
In the very least, the article warrants a well-informed response. I have little doubt in my mind that it will generate a slew of responses, positive and negative, and as one of the many subjects that was mentioned in the write-up, I feel compelled to voice my opinion (with all due respect) on some of the issues that were raised in your piece. What I’m going to attempt to do is to directly address issues that stood out and resonated most with me.
The writer asked “What’s in a name?” and went on to honor a “…generation which sang music under its real names, not abbreviations or slangs”; this would have been a valid point if he had not himself mentioned Greats like King Sunny Ade (real name: Sunday Adeniyi), I.K. Dairo (Isaiah Kehinde Dairo), and Ebenezer Obey (Real name: Ebenezer Remilekun Aremu Olasupo Fabiyi- Wow!!!). We could also point out other legends like Ras Kimono and Majek Fashek as others who, for creative or other reasons, saw it fit to have stage names that happen to differ from what’s on their passports. Shortening of full names and/or the crafting of stage names is not something new from our generation of artistes that “lack the discipline or the patience to write complete sentences” as you said; rather, it’s the creative right of an artiste to go by whatever moniker he sees fit. And if we want to talk about the names of today, we can highlight a few: Eldee - actually L.D. which stands for Lanre Dabiri, similar to Isaiah Kehinde Dairo’s transition to I.K. Dairo. Naeto C and Banky W are simply short forms of their full names. In my case, my father’s nickname among his friends is actually Banky as well.
Furthermore, on the topic of Names and abbreviations let’s set a few things straight. Nigerzie is actually spelt Nigezie and is not an abbreviation for Nigeria. It’s a TV Show, much like Soundcity or Hip TV, except they choose to incorporate “representing Nigeria” in their name. It’s like the “United Colors of Bennetton”, or DKNY, both companies that choose to represent their locations or origins in their name. Also, for the record, Gidi doesn’t mean Nigeria either. It’s a term for Lagos… coined from “Las Gidi”. And as far as the popular term “Naija” goes, who remembers Shina Peters singing “♫ Naija lo wa yi o o o, wa jo, afro juju lo gb’ode ♫” I hate to point out that our generation did not come up with that term… the “golden age” that you long for did.
As an editorial head of a National Newspaper, you owe it to your public to at least do proper and accurate research before printing an article. The risk in not doing so, is you might unknowingly mislead your readers, and you might actually come across as being ignorant or out of touch. A quick look at all the reference names of artistes and songs mentioned in the article goes to show that the author was sadly way off base in his accusations and examples. For instance, to make a point on how today’s Nigerian artistes lyrics are meaningless and prurient, he referenced the Rooftop MC’s song “La Gi Mo”. What he failed to realize or crosscheck, is that the said song is probably one of the most meaningful and important songs that have been released in the last few years on the Nigerian Music Scene. The Rooftop MC’s are actually a Rap Group that leans to the Gospel or at least Socially Conscious side of music, and their songs always have a positive message. That song itself talks about the errors we make by trying to take God’s glory for our success… getting caught up in the limelight and asking God to bring you back to reality to know that HE deserves the praise for where you are.
The author mentioned other songs like D’banj’s “Fall in Love”, and doesn’t realize how hypocritical he sounds by attempting to ridicule some of our most popular love songs. Felix Liberty sang “Ifeoma, ifeoma, I want to marry you”, D’banj sang “Omo U don make me fall in love” and Banky W sang “Till my dying day, I’ll love you”. Barring a difference in musical styling, are these songs not cut from the same cloth? Why can’t someone in Mr Abati’s position be proud of the fact that at Nigerian and African Weddings nowadays, couples are choosing these songs to mark their first dances instead of previous choices like “Endless Love”? Why can’t we appreciate that the days of going to Nigerian Parties and clubs and celebrating to foreign music “all night long” are long gone? Despite these facts, you still see International festivals and concerts being held in Nigeria where the foreign acts are paid 30 to 40 times what some of our biggest stars are allowed to charge.
I have to disagree with the author’s views. We are not all one and the same, but we ARE artistes. We may sing, rap, dance, mime, perform, play instruments or whatever else; but we are artistes. And Composers. And musicians. We may not all play the piano or the guitar, but neither does Michael Jackson, arguably the world’s greatest artiste/entertainer. That’s why he teamed up with producer Quincy Jones to create some of the best music anyone had ever heard. We have our own producers that have shaped Nigerian sound…people like Cobhams Asuquo, Don Jazzy, I.D. Cabasa, Dr Frabz, Tee-Y mix, Eldee, Terry G etc. That list goes on. These music minds are no less credible than those of Mr Abati’s time, like the great Laolu Akins.
Far be it from us to claim that we are perfect and flawless in our art… we know that we are still growing and have lots of areas to improve, but the truth of the matter is we have worked very hard to create the industry we have now, and some people choose to criticize and lambaste most of us, instead of helping and teaching us. That is unfair. Yes, some artistes sag their jeans… however, a glance at the pages of THISDAY style or the recently concluded awards shows will show you very clearly that others wear three-piece suits and traditional attires just as proudly, myself included. This music industry that you have very clearly disapproved of has partnered with and given rise to the fashion industry in Nigeria as well. Just ask Designers like Mai, Babs Familusi (Exclamations Couture), the Okunorens, Muyiwa Osindero and countless others. Everything from the t-shirts and jeans rappers wear, to the shoes and suits are made by young Nigerians, where in previous years people preferred to shop in London. The youth-driven industries in Entertainment and Fashion have teamed up to thrust Nigeria into the world’s positive spotlight, when for many years our dear country was mostly known for corruption, lack of infrastructure, and security issues.
Our country has not yet given us steady electricity, adequate education, safety from armed robbers or standard healthcare, yet artistes have risen like the Roses that grow from Concrete… and these very artistes love and represent their country proudly on a global stage. This music industry has given hope, jobs and income to countless youth of today. We are Rappers, Singers, Producers, Sound Engineers, Managers, Promoters, Marketing Consultants, Record Label Owners and we will not apologize for making the best of our circumstances; and all this in spite of the fact that we have Marketers that exploit but refuse to pay for our Musical pieces, Royalties and Publishing income that hitherto has been non-existent, a Government that is just now very slowly starting to enforce anti-piracy laws, and Event Organizers that would rather pay 50 Cent One Million US Dollars than give D’banj or P-Square 5 Million Naira.
You were right on some counts. We ARE businessmen and women, and we ARE interested in extending name recognition and brand extension. You were also right in that we look up to people like Jay-Z, who took their music and created multimillion-dollar empires. Since when did ambition and desire to succeed against all odds count against a person’s moral character? Shouldn’t we be encouraged to pay more attention to the business side of “Show Business”? Shouldn’t we want this music industry to provide for our future and the futures of our children?
We know we have a moral responsibility when it comes to our Creative works. Some of us pay more attention to it than others, and there is lots of ground to cover up. But how about a little appreciation and help, instead of trying to tear us down and discredit us? Time will tell whose music will last and become evergreen, but it is not in anyone’s place to judge; and for the record, can we just accept that fact that hip hop music is an artform that is probably here to stay… I mean for goodness sake the Grammy’s has!! Instead of fighting the change, we should learn to embrace it. I thank God for people like the great Adewale Ayuba that have reached across to our generation to collaborate with, bridge the gap, and help us improve.
We want to learn but your generation has to teach. We want to read but the Government must provide libraries. We want to go to school but the lecturers keep going on strike. We want to travel but previous generations messed up so they won’t give out visas. Most of prefer having our own live bands but the income needed to support that is not forthcoming.
You speak of meaninglessness and prurience, identity crisis and moral turpitude. You praise Legends like Fela Anikulakpo-Kuti and you ridicule us. 9ice does not drink or smoke. eLDee is married to one wife. Olu Maintain does not drink. Naeto C is currently obtaining his Masters’ degree in England. The ironic thing is, we look up to and praise your generation too. You seem to forget that Baba Fela had 27 wives, smoked marijuana in public, was himself half naked at shows (as well as the women around him) and allegedly died of HIV. However we look past what some may consider shortcomings and respect and emulate the immense contributions he made to our history. We are in awe of him despite personal choices that some may or may not agree with. All we are asking for is to be appreciated and afforded similar tolerances.
You danced to Shina Peters. Let us dance to our music. And for the record: for every “Anoti” by MI, he has a “Crowd Mentality” or a “Talk about it”. For a Naeto C’s “Ki Ni Big Deal”, he has a “The Devil is a Liar”. Just because an artiste uses a particular song to promote his album for commercial reasons, doesn’t mean they should be judged on that alone. Anyone that is familiar with the cost of promoting an album (videos, press, etc) would know that you end up making hard decisions in terms of what you have to push and promote, for your best chance at success. I suggest that you buy whole albums and look at the body of work. Listen to the entire CD’s. I think you’ll find that more often than not, Nigerian artistes are doing a pretty good job of representing this great Country of Nigeria. Naija Till We Die. Yes Boss.
Sincerely,
~ Banky W.

MP AND PIVOTGEEST MAGAZINE

MP TOOO DOES THE PIVOTGEEST THING!!

REVEALED REASONS WHY WOMEN CHEAT!!!

2 Reasons Women CHEAT

>>>DATING QUESTION FROM A READER:

A success story with a question and lessons

learned the hard way.

Question: perhaps you have addressed this before,

but why do women choose unstable "losers" over

stable, "good guys" like me? One may noticed this

and labeled it the "SPCA" syndrome: "Society for

Prevention of Cruelty to Animals." In other words,

the woman goes for the "stray," not the "well-

bread."

I think it goes to the issue of challenge, which

has two aspects. One is "benign": the man has to

be a challenge in the sense that he is not too

available. Another, which is negative, is the man

is so "damaged" that he presents a challenge in

another, less benign way: the woman wants to

"fix" him. I heard Dr. Laura the other day,

although I usually cannot stand her. Some dimwit

woman called in and said she had been dating guy

A, who was nice, and was now dating A's friend, B,

and she did not know what to do. A was a good guy

and stable, B was a lowlife but was "exciting."

Dr. "Queen of Life" jumped all over her, asking

this genius how she would answer the same question

if her own daughter asked her that question. It

was clear by the idiot's "OK" after being given

this advice that she did not get the answer she

wanted and will probably stick with B.

Success story: Confidence.

1. Parents and religion. About 10 years ago, I

was dating a surgeon who was Jewish. I am not

Jewish, so that made a big difference and was

ultimately one of two factors leading to our

demise (the other was that I could not trust her).

She told me her parents did not approve of me

since I was non-Jewish. I just told her to her

face, "I don't care what your parents think. I'm

not here to please them." I think this took her

by surprise and increased her respect for me.

You my want to do columns on these if you have not

done so already: dealing with parents; dealing

with different religions.

2. Signs that you are confident. Every dating

advisor stresses male confidence. Watch the

woman's actions and listen to her words to detect

if your confidence is "showing" or "hitting." The

surgeon gave me two of the greatest compliments I

ever received, which confirmed that I was "doing

things right." Both were out of the blue. One:

"I can't figure you out." Two: "I never know

what you are going to do next."

Suggestions:

1. Criteria. Before arranging a blind date, be

sure to the extent possible that you ensure the

woman meets your "criteria." DO NOT BE SHY ABOUT

THIS. For example, a friend of mine (I will call

her "A"), working through a friend of hers ("B"),

set me up with a blind date I will call "Carol". I

drove about 30 minutes to meet the woman. When I

saw her, I immediately knew I did not like her

looks. The "clincher" occurred as we approached

the hostess, who asked us where we wanted to sit.

"Carol" immediately said something like, "I have

to sit somewhere I can smoke." At that point, the

date was effectively over because I am vehemently

nonsmoking. It is simply not negotiable with me.

So, we sat at a table to the side of the

restaurant instead of a waterfront table.

LESSON: neither my friend nor I remembered to

check for smoking. And, while I went ahead and had

the dinner, I lost about an hour's driving time

and the time and money for the meal with nothing

in return. The experience was a complete waste

except to re- learn the lesson: ensure the woman

is a nonsmoker.

Another interesting tactic would, after she said

something about smoking, be to say, "I'm sorry. I

did not realize you were a smoker. You know,

really, since I do not smoke the evening will be a

waste of your time and mine, so let's call it

quits." And then I should have then simply left.

The problem is that this action would have gotten

me in trouble with my good friend "A."

2. Eject after her infidelity. After you have

been dating a woman and the two of you have been

exclusive, at the first sign of her infidelity,

PUSH EJECT AND DUMP HERE. Infidelity is an

irreparable breach of trust and cannot be

repaired. I tried to fix a relationship after such

an incident, and she continued to remain in touch

with her "secondary lover." Despite advice to

dump her and her continuing affection toward me, I

held on for a few more months, which were

miserable, before finally pushing EJECT and

unilaterally dumping her with no warning or

discussion. The lesson is: pay attention to what

women DO, not to what they SAY.

C. J.

>>>MY COMMENTS:

First of all, thank you for taking the time to

think this through and for clearly communicating

the points you've made. You've brought up some

important ideas, and I'd like to comment on them.

ON THE DR. LAURA STORY AND YOUR QUESTION...

One of the things that Dr. Laura doesn't get in

this particular situation goes a little something

like this:

THE WOMAN IN THE STORY WASN'T USING LOGIC TO

DECIDE WHICH MAN TO FEEL ATTRACTED TO, SO TRYING

TO CONVINCE HER WITH LOGIC IS A WASTE OF TIME.

Now, you made some valid points about the woman

enjoying the "challenge" of the "stray" and/or of

the "unavailable" guy.

This is good stuff, and it's accurate.

But the REAL key to this situation is that

ATTRACTION ISN'T A CHOICE. Attraction is a

POWERFUL, EMOTIONAL and PHYSICAL response.

And, as you might know, when you're feeling a

powerful emotion, it's difficult, or in many

cases, almost impossible to override that emotion

with LOGIC.

The woman is clearly ATTRACTED to the

"lowlife", but she also knows in her MIND that she

"should" stay with the "stable, nice guy".

EMOTION beats LOGIC any day of the week when it

comes to attraction and female behavior.

Being a challenge and being unavailable are

things that TRIGGER the emotion, but once it's

triggered then there's not much that a woman can

do about it.

And, as you noticed, not even advice from the

"first lady" of relationship logic can change it.

So, to answer your question, the reason why

women "choose" unstable losers over stable guys

like you is...

THEY DON'T CHOOSE AT ALL.

There is no logical "decision" being made. When

it comes to ATTRACTION, "choosing" doesn't even

come into play.

If you want women to feel that powerful emotion

called ATTRACTION for you, then you need to learn

how to communicate and behave in the way that

TRIGGERS ATTRACTION.

Are you with me on this?

ON YOUR SUCCESS STORY AND CONFIDENCE...

I think that you're on the right track here.

When she came to you to tell you that her

parents didn't approve of you, and you responded

by saying, "I don't care what your parents think,

I'm not here to please them", you effectively made

yourself MORE powerful in her heart AND mind than

even her parents.

I'm taking a wild guess here, but I'll bet that

when she came to you to tell you this, she was

telling you because she was thinking of breaking

off the relationship, and this was her way of

"introducing" the idea.

When you responded by saying, "I don't care

what they think", you probably scrambled her

signal a little. She was probably confused, but

MORE IMPORTANTLY, she was EMOTIONALLY ATTRACTED to

you at the same time.

This combination of confusion, emotional

attraction, and you asserting yourself as more

powerful than her parents because you didn't care,

is almost unstoppable.

As you say, "Every dating advisor stresses male

confidence". The more I've thought about this,

the more I realize that the FOUNDATION for

confidence is LACK OF INSECURITY.

In other words, if you want to be confident,

you have to START by getting over the things that

you're insecure about. Once you do this, you'll

realize that "confidence" isn't really that

important at all.

Women are generally attracted to men who don't

need APPROVAL from anyone. Call it confidence if

you want, but I think it comes down to becoming

secure in the world and comfortable in your own

skin. If you're reading this right now, and you

need to get more confidence, then you should take

a minute and read this as well:

http://www.DoubleYourDatingProgram.com/e/10006/DeepInnerGame/

ON YOUR SUGGESTIONS OF CRITERIA AND EJECTING A

WOMAN AFTER INFIDELITY...

It's a GREAT idea to be VERY selective and to

let women know about it EVEN IF SHE'S YOUR "TYPE".

Women are generally more attracted to men who are

more selective.

Of course, it is important to keep high

standards in life because they usually lead to

better results in general.

And in response to your recommendation to dump

a woman at the first sign of infidelity...

This is probably a good policy.

But, there's something else that you should

probably take away from this as well.

If a woman isn't loyal, there's a good chance

that either:

1) You did a poor job selecting the type of woman

to have a relationship with in the first place...

and/or

2) You stopped doing the things that created the

ATTRACTION in the relationship, and turned into a

WUSSY.

In either case, there's something to learn and

improve in the future inside of YOURSELF.

YOU must learn how to KEEP HER INTEREST over

the long-haul if you want to "cheat-proof" your

relationship.

...and on another note...

I really believe that there's more than meets

the eye when it comes to success with women and

dating.

The process that creates the magical emotion of

ATTRACTION is mysterious, seemingly illogical, and

"counter intuitive". If you don't understand it,

then it just won't make sense.

It's taken me literally YEARS to be able to

both attract women AND be able to explain how to

do it.

AN IMPORTANT QUESTION FOR YOU...

It's the first quarter of a new year right now.

Can you feel that "new" energy right now?

Did you make a New Year's Resolution?

The beginning of a new year is an opportunity

to look back on the past year and think about what

went right, what didn't go so right... and what

you'd like to do DIFFERENT this time around.

This might be YOUR year for success with women.

If it is, then you're going to need to make a

commitment to yourself, and then FOLLOW THROUGH on

that commitment.

This part of your life isn't going to "get

itself handled". YOU are going to have to do it.

expect the bomb!!!

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